Somewhere between 7th and 8th grade, I decided that even though Catholic school teachers had instilled in me, the ideals of being a lady back in elementary school, I would go against the norm and just be….Me! Unfortunately, being me entailed speaking my mind freely even if what I had to say was inappropriate or uncalled for. I learned to be tactfully blunt at a fairly young age if I do say so myself, and passive aggressiveness quickly turned me off. I was told that it was okay to speak my mind and fight for my convictions–of course I learned this from a bunch of aggressive boys who only knew how to resolve conflicts by inflicting pain on each other. But I liked their style…rolling around in the mud until you got your point across even if that meant going home after soccer practice with a black eye, scraped knees, and broken limbs!?! Thankfully, I learned to forego the rolling around in the dirt part and used my mouth as a weapon of mass destruction.
People throw around the term “passive-aggressive” all the time, and I guess I haven’t really had to reflect on it in a long time. I mean, I haven’t really had a reason to, especially since I do not consider myself as such. But lately, I have come to realize that my buttons are being pushed easily, and I am not really sure if it’s because people just don’t speak their minds and speak in code or if it’s because I miss those great bursts of energy I found in beating up boys or making someone cry occassionally. Don’t get me wrong, I am not some heartless, violent vixen; however, life would be so much easier if I didn’t have to use my words all the time. Because to be quite honest, at times, it is a lot easier to be mean than it is to find the right words to express rage or discontent with people.
I guess my struggle then would be to find a happy medium or something like it. I was taught not to say anything at all if I had nothing nice to say, and I don’t agree with that at all because well, it’s passive aggressiveness. At the same time, one may argue that saying something vicious, but not being proactive about it, is being aggressively passive. So where do I go from here? It’s unreasonable to say that I am going to fight my way through disagreements because it’s not very likely, and I don’t plan on ending up in jail anytime soon. I am open to suggestions so let me know….